i just can't make sense of myself

lately im up and down. today moreso down but hopefully that will pick up tonight. so i still don't know if stephen is coming to see me and its driving me crazy. i don't wanna be alone this weekend :( and the fact that i don't know where i stand with matt is driving me crazy even though i thought i could just forget about it. my stupid brain won't let me. oh well. i gotta go hop in the shower and get rid of the stale bread smell. ugh i swear give me bleach anyday, a sweat sock idc just not the smell of panera. ughhhhh (shudders)

:) :) :) :)

So even though it's been a super long day, i've only had one meal, i froze my ass off in my teacher pants, i ran out of gas, im sleep deprived and i have really greasy hair right now i still have a smile on my face... wonder why. but im not complaining :)

deep down if nothing else you should save yourself

Deep down, steady heart breathe now, I'm reaching out to touch you because I can't breathe at all, I can't feel at all

every day is a new day

so now there's a little ray of sunshine in my dark clouds. i have the worlds best friends. they cheer me up when im down. ihave an amazing boyfriend who manages to make me laugh and smile when i need to most. so why am i still a bit upset? my self control is lacking and it's getting harder to say goodbye. but how will things end? will there ever really be an end? only time can tell. i have a feeling every day is going to be its own and different from the one before. I can't be upset with the way things have turned out as long as he's happy. that's all that matters to me. when my friends are happy i'm happy. (i do draw the line somewhere though lol). so who knows if there will be more parties, more camps, more drawings and beans lol. all i know is i can't dwell on the negative. i gotta start noticing the positive. well im off to work. hopefully i can remember the positive there lol.

lost

i just don't know what to do anymore. how can you control a situation when you're not the one in control? How do you ever get back to the friend zone when one of you crosses that line? you can't just go back into the past and wish that things were different. the truth is hard to face and it's proving pretty difficult at the moment. I have this giant pit in my stomach, i feel like im going to throw up and im super pissed at the same time. i don't want this one day i like you the next day i don't relationship. it's too much work. i just want to be friends. i just want the person i can talk to about anything. i was never allowed to push you away but now you're pushing me. i guess i just can't accept that sometimes there aren't happy endings as much as you may want them. real life is not always happy endings. so i end this not knowing where i stand. all i know is im confused, upset, sad and just feeling like a not so great person right now.

little moments

I want you to want me.
I need you to need me.
I'd love you to love me.
I'm beggin you to beg me.
I want you to want me.
I need you to need me.
I'd love you to love me

this is why i love my friends. (if you don't get it sorry)

No more snow days

So my MAT application is extended (score) as is the photography entries (double score!) I think it's kind of odd how two people and just ignore the past and act like it never happened and then just fall into this sort of awkward harmony again. It's mind boggling to me and it's hard to sit and try and figure it out. I am the type who holds grudges so when someone just acts like things never happened i'm actually shocked. i also realized that it really bugs me when someone won't tell me what i've done wrong because in my mind i want to fix it but if i don't know what's broken i can't.

we're also the only school today that is open in the newport news area prob further. just sucks. anyway i should stop ranting. it's not becoming of ladies but then again when am i ever becoming. i'm just as manly as the next guy/ or girl/ or whatever you know what i mean. so i just gotta suck life up into one big straw and move on. i gotta stop dwelling on the past or how things should have gone because i waste too much present time in the past.