weekends

so this weekend seems like a movie to me. there's drama, suspense, action, comedy, emotion, lots of tears and a bit of romance. do you ever feel like you're not in your body? like you're someone else? like you can see what's happening but you know you shouldn't do it? it's odd watching yourself do something knowing that you can't stop it. It sucks even more when you know that you prob could. i hate that i can't remember everything from sat. night and i promise not to let myself get like that again. I ended up hurting two people and all for what? just so that i could loosen up and have some fun? it wasn't worth it.

I tend to forgive people too easily. it also seems that i can hurt people just as easily. I tend to forgive so easily because i want to make them like me again. i don't wanna lose those people closest to me even if they do hurt me or i hurt them. somehow i always find a way to make it better. I'm just afraid that one day i won't be able to make things better and eventually i'll be alone. that's one of my greatest fears if not my most. i never want to be truly alone. im afraid that i won't be able to make it on my own. even though im quite independent i still have a layer of people supporting me and without them i would crumble.

It's hard to tell yourself what's wrong and right, what you should and shouldn't do, who it's ok to hurt and others you would never risk hurting. i find myself questioning what i do and what i think often these days. as much as i seem confused in my head i do know who's important to me and who i need in my supportive layer. there are a rare few that i whole heartedly trust even when they betray me or let me down and these are the people im most afraid of losing. these are also the people that mean the most to me and i never want to see them unhappy especially because of me. so now i am going to think more about my actions so that i can avoid all this pain i seem to be causing. it's funny how a little snow can change everything you know. this has been one weekend full of events and emotions that many people aside from me will never forget.